Roughly two years ago, I had a dream where I had uncontrollable episodes of repeatedly trying to kill myself. It was like the movie Bird Box: someone sees the mysterious force that makes them go crazy. In my dream, I tried to warn my family and friends that I couldn’t be trusted. That I needed to be monitored. No one believed me. They didn’t pay attention. The dream took me by surprise. I hadn’t ever seriously thought of committing suicide. I woke up clinging to my sheets with tears in my eyes. I felt unsafe, like a danger to myself. How can you escape a threat if the threat is you?
This dream never happened again, but it still makes me uneasy to think about it. My other dreams have been terrifying, but not the same type of terrifying: The world ends. My teeth chip and fall out. I’m being chased. I’m eaten by lions while studying abroad. Classmates with a deadly disease try to infect me and I have to maneuver my way through the halls to get away. My ex-boyfriend starts dating someone new – a blond. Preference selection arrives and I am completely blindsided by the deadline. I jokingly hit someone I care about and accidentally really hurt them. Dad dies on vacation. Mom tries to destroy the world. I get in trouble during class. I see my crush with an older girl and I’m relieved to find out it’s only his aunt. I ran out of time for a test because it’s online and my friends won’t stop talking to me. My ex is sleeping with a girl I dislike in his friend group. My friend confesses his feelings to me and I don’t feel the same way. Monsters wreak havoc in the subway station. I’m driving my dad’s car and it starts going in reverse and I can’t stop it. There is a war and I lead people to survival yet my ex still doesn’t see me differently. I get in a car accident and my mom doesn’t believe that someone else caused it.
Sometimes, I tell people what they did in my dream and make them apologize for it. The lines between fiction and reality blurr. Our experiences are based on what we see, feel, hear. My brain sees, feels, and hears in my dreams. What’s the difference? When I sleep soundly, I dream less. When I lack sleep, my dreams haunt me from the time my alarm sounds to the minute my head hits the pillow that night. I’m constantly trying to restrict my sleep to a schedule so I dream less. My dreams are so vivid. I don’t know what they mean.