Content Warning: Substance Abuse
it makes for a reason to get up
and it’s easy
an easy reason and
it makes me feel like i’m floating when i get back
into bed for a while
the first high of the day is the best
i can feel it in my lungs
my face feels fresh
my limbs loose
the day feels
manageable
it’s time to get up and i smoke
again
it makes me want to
or care to
do things for a while
i wash my face
put on deodorant
organize my
mess of hair
and i eat
only hungry when i’m high now
otherwise nothing is appetizing
so i get high
and i scramble eggs
or butter toast
i eat it fast and then
don’t remember it
i finish online lectures and i smoke
the steps between class and a carefree inhale
now have become like a ritual
close the computer
take pony
my bong
from the closet
clear out the ash
open the window a little wider
plug in the fan
turn it on
point it blowing out
light the candle
grind weed
load the bowl
light and watch the bowl
watch the bowl
until it’s ash
and breathe
breathe in
turn the fan so it blows in
put the bong in the closet
weed in the shoebox
blow out the candle
turn off the fan
close the window
and finally exhale
and i can breathe
it’s a ritual i perform like a machine all just steps
between me and release
but
it’s the middle of the day when these steps
become too much
almost
almost too much
but i always find myself there
sitting by my window
blowing clouds
foggy like my mind feels
the middle highs of the day
aren’t the same
i write a reading response
listen to slip away by perfume genius
on repeat
accidentally
time for dinner so i smoke
time to eat again
time to force the previously natural reaction
basic feeling of hunger
and i eat
then zone out
for a while
watching the jellyfish screensaver
on the tv
that plays between episodes
my family talks
in between
i nod
everyone goes to bed and i smoke
my favorite part of the night
everyone assumed to be sleeping
i roll a j
hotbox my car
feeling the smoke all around me
a warm
wispy
embrace
the windows fog up
so i open the door
the air flows in
the smoke dances out
but the smell stays on my clothes
i slide past
the motion camera at my front door
the light on in my parents room
i take off the clothes
inhale deeply
the smell will be gone in the morning
i shower
if i try
i can smell resin on my fingers
I slide into bed
to reset
to do it all tomorrow
i sleep and
i wake up
and i smoke
By Anonymous.