I talked to the worm in my brain again today.
I asked, “Can I have a break from you tonight? I’m getting drinks with a cute boy and I just want some peace. Can you do that for me? Please, just this once?” I begged.
“Sure!” said the worm. Then he went to the control board of my brain and turned the dial up on “self-conscious.”
For the whole night, I couldn’t stop fidgeting with my hair.
When I close my eyes to sleep, the worm works overtime. He keeps a catalog of all of the embarrassing things I have done and yesterday, he displayed an endless loop of the time I made a joke that nobody laughed at; sometimes he goes back 5 years just to make me cringe.
He crossed the wires in my neural pathways and burrowed holes in my self-confidence.
“If you want to be liked, don’t be yourself,” he says, then laughs when I miss a social cue.
I’ve read self-help books and listened to podcasts. But there he is, making me second guess every text I send, email I draft, and paper I write.
When I told my therapist about the worm that lives in my brain, I said, “My anxiety is taking over, I feel like I can’t do anything right.”
The worm responded, “You will never be good enough! Everyone in your life hates you! You don’t deserve to be happy!”
I am starting to think I will be stuck with him forever.
“If you hate me so much, why don’t you just leave?” I asked the worm
He just shrugged and said, “I’m just doing my job.”