Let Me Cry
I don’t want to take a deep breath
1, 2, 3
And then exhale through my mouth
To calm me down
I don’t want to put my hand on my chest
Feel my heart as it struggles to give me strength
Pumping all my sorrows away into a corner
So I can sleep peacefully now,
only for them to take center stage tomorrow
I don’t want to pray and cry unto the Lord
And ask him to help me, save me, heal me
I don’t want to recite his words that tell me not to fear
because he will walk me through these valleys,
not to be discouraged because he is with me
I don’t want to be reminded of all that is good in my life
of how I should soak up this present moment
instead of dwelling in a terrible future that night not even happen
of how I should be happy that I have a home, I have food, I have life
Don’t tell me how to feel
Not tonight
Tonight I want to cry
Loudly and continuously until I can’t hear the sound of my pain anymore
Let me cry until my throat chokes up all my anger and sadness and regret and all of her best friends
Let me cry until the veins in my head explode and the blood filled with all the scenarios I keep
playing and replaying in my head seeps out
Let me cry until my whole body shakes, violently, as I surrender to my sorrow
Let me cry until the tears fill my eyes so I can’t clearly see anything that would remind me of why I’m crying
For tonight
Let me perform this sacred ritual that makes me human,
Let me be human in the way I know how
Time Machine
I am drunk on a wine called ‘future’
nicknamed hopes and dreams
Intoxicated with the promise of flavor
that fills my gut with beams
I poison myself with a bottle of the past
regardless of what they say
A conscious choice to kill myself
to escape the present-day
Untitled
I am scared, well,
most of the times
of the darkness —
there could be demons
lurking around
of the light
exposing the demons
in my mind
of the silence
amplifying the demons’
ugly sounds
screaming,
“You’re a loser
You’re a fuck up
You’re a failure, just like us!
You should be afraid
You should be ashamed
You should hide in the dark”
but I don’t want to be like them
no, I don’t want you to think that I am like them
and I fear the truth will come out,
that I already am.
By Mercy Idindili.
